I always wait until January.” - Lucy Van Pelt, “A Charlie Brown Christmas” Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything.” - Michael Scott, "The Office" First of all, you got to spend time with people you love. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! Now, you’re going to hear about it. “The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. “Yankee swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.” - Dwight Schrute, "The Office" Claus said so!” - Billy, “Billy and Mandy Save Christmas” “I’m getting presents in the New World Order! Mrs. “I’m the Holiday Armadillo, your part “Jewish” friend.” - Ross Geller, “Friends” “How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter bunny?” - Santa Claus, “Home Alone” "I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” - Ellen Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead? - Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” I’ve never heard crying like that.” - Conan O’BrienĬhristmas quote from George Burns Funny Christmas quotes from movies and TV shows “I thought it would be funny to stuff my kids’ Christmas stockings with actual stockings. “Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” - Dave Barry “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” - Joan Rivers There is only fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” - Johnny Carson “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, 'Toys not included.'” - Bernard Manning “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” - Phyllis Diller That’s the true spirit of Christmas - people being helped by people other than me.” - Jerry Seinfeld “That’s what I love about the holiday season. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping." - Steven Wright "I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. We're going to let her in." - Leslie Dawson, Jr. "My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt." - Dave Barry "Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it." - Demetri Martin, "Self" See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. "I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. Say 'em aloud when everyone needs to take a collective breather during the holiday festivities or write them as part of your Christmas greeting to send some laughs the old-fashioned way.Įither way, you - and all the special people in your life - will be ho-ho-ho-ing in no time. There’s nothing like a tone-deaf Michael Scott or cringey Dwight Schrute comment to give everyone a chuckle - along with a heaping dose of secondhand embarrassment.Īlthough you can always rely on gag gifts to bring the funny, a short Christmas quote from festive favorites like “ National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation“ or “Home Alone” will also do the trick. To help you sleigh all season long, we've gathered some hilarious one-liners from famous Christmas movies, TV shows and celebrities like Jerry Seinfeld and Phyllis Diller. While you can always bust out a Christmas joke or riddle to lighten everyone's spirits, these funny Christmas quotes will also get the job done (and then some). Christmas brings the merry - and a fair share of stress.Īnd for that reason, a bit of comic relief is the best gift you can give during the holidays.
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